A few years back my firstborn left home for college. It should have been great news for me- he had worked hard and gained admission to his top choice school- a happy ending to 18 years of worry and care. So how come whenever I found myself alone all I could do was cry? The other mothers at the school kept acting like they were SO relieved to have it over with. What?!

It was not like I had an empty nest. I had seven more at home and a new baby boy born a few weeks after the first one left. But it seemed like saying goodbye to the first one changed everything about what I had been doing for the last eighteen years. And it seemed like I could no longer relate to chirpy and optimistic young mothers who thought that if they did everything just right, their children would never have to suffer the slings and arrows of real life. I was stunned speechless. I could no longer write. I was in over my head. You pour yourself into your child for eighteen years, there is a big going away party, then silence. I was glad I didn’t know about this part when I got into the whole thing. And now I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know.

Detachment. You hear the word. It sounds noble and brave. It is really hard. What was I thinking? You don’t get to know how it is going to turn out. You just give them to God. I would rather fold their laundry and hear their stories and wonder why they can’t keep their room straight. This is the big time and boy, does it put you in your place!

After three years I decided that I had to write again. Just go from real life, like you always do, I told myself. How can I do that? I have nothing to say. Well, lets start there. That is what this song is-a first timid foray into detachment. I am starting to get the hang of it. I hope that someday I will like it.

Nothing to Say
Nothing to say since you went away
I sweep the floor, stare out that door
This house, it seems peaceful and clean
The laundry’s done, but where the fun?

I always knew there would come a day
The world would come calling for you
I’d have to stand there and smile and wave
While my heart was just breaking in two

Friends come around, I can’t be found
I stay in bed, over my head
I thought I knew about loving you
I didn’t know about letting go

Lizards and laughter and fishing poles
Prayers before bed every night
Coaches and corsages, time to go
Do your best now and hold your head high

So much to remember but now I guess I’ve
got nothing to say
Nothing to say since you went away
But you were grinning ear to ear
In the rear view mirror
So hey, what more can I say?

Nothing to say
Except for maybe stay
Won’t you stay a while?
Won’t you stay?

Copyright 2011 Ordinary Time Music

  Jan 13, 2012

1 comment

Marie….Why haven’t we met????

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